I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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