What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
