I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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