forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
