She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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