It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My boob is missing a layer of skin
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
