there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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