i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
