i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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