god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
should my penis look like a turkey
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
