I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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