its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
