I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
