I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
