i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
