Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
