I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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