Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
high people should be assigned attendants
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
