the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
