and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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