It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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