Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
