I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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