I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
