I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
