Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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