I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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