apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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