Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
