Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
