Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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