Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
