so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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