we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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