Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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