I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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