i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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