Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
