were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
