3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
