you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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