youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
