I need to stop coming to work sober
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Randomize
