You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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