We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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