Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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