The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
