I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
