Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We just shotgunned beers for America
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The uberlube is also flammable
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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