I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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