Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
