Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
