Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
